How do you become a better version of yourself?

For those of us who relish the wisdom found within self-help literature, you’ve likely encountered the oft-repeated adage that the trajectory of success in life is intrinsically tied to our decision-making prowess.

But how do we actually navigate this complex realm of choices? Allow me to momentarily clear your mind of preconceived notions and introduce an idea that might initially raise objections. Drawing from my background as a software engineer, I’m inclined to view concepts in binary terms — think of it as a dichotomy between black and white, positive and negative, or even yin and yang. The notion I’m about to share hinges on this binary perspective.

In any given instant of our lives, we find ourselves engaged in the pursuit of two fundamental goals: safety and love. Ask yourself, “Am I secure in this moment?” or “Am I experiencing love right now?”

To comprehend how we address these questions, it’s essential to familiarize ourselves with specific aspects of human nature. Let’s explore the insights that science brings to this understanding.

What does Science teach us?

— How the brain makes a decision

From the moment we enter the world, the limbic segment of our brain intuitively comprehends the intricate chemistry, neurology, and psychology of human connection. This phenomenon is often termed bonding or attachment.

As infants, we instinctively gravitate towards those we instinctively know will reciprocate — typically our mothers or fathers. This instinctual behavior is hardwired within us; it’s an action that unfolds innately. When we seek connection, we extend ourselves, making our presence known. In return, we anticipate hearing, “I’m delighted you’re here.” This mechanism persists throughout our days, serving as the foundation for our emotional ties with fellow humans. Every instance stands as an opportunity: a chance to make a decision, to consciously focus our attention on the actuality of our experience or our aspirations for it.

When our current experience doesn’t align with our desires, we must probe further. Could it be that our internal programming leans towards “I am right!”? By posing the inquiry, “Am I right, or am I connected to this person or circumstance?” we open the door to redirecting our focus and molding our experience.

— Triune brain theory

Before we delve into the intricacies of decision-making, let’s take a step back and revisit the concept of the triune brain. This theory proposes the existence of three distinct brains within us, each contributing to our cognitive processes.

1. The Reptilian Brain: Positioned at the brainstem’s base, the reptilian brain takes charge of essential autonomous functions such as breathing. Often referred to as the “fight or flight” brain, it operates on autopilot, handling instinctual responses crucial for our survival.
2. The Mammal Brain (Limbic Brain): This brain, also recognized as the limbic brain in psychological circles, encompasses our emotional landscape, memories, habits, and intentional decisions. When you pick up a remote control, for instance, it’s the mammal brain that orchestrates this deliberate action.
3. The Human Brain (Pre-Frontal Cortex): Located in the pre-frontal cortex, the human brain is the epicenter of our rational decision-making and analytical prowess. It governs intricate cognitive abilities like language, abstract thinking, imagination, and consciousness. Decisions originating in this realm are characterized by reason and logical reasoning.

Now let’s look at how the brain makes decisions so that you have more time to process and begin to have more experiences that are meaningful to you. Let’s look at the below picture, which will illustrate how we access data.

As we stand on the cusp of decision-making, information is processed in a sequence that corresponds to our triune brain structure. Starting with the reptilian brain, swift and automated judgments are made concerning fundamental survival matters. Moving up the ladder, the mammal brain guides us in responses driven by emotions, memories, and habits — laying the groundwork for intentional decisions.

At the pinnacle lies the human brain, where we engage in intricate analysis and rational contemplation. It’s here that we deliberate on complex matters, employing language, imagination, and abstract thought to navigate nuanced choices.

By comprehending this decision-making trajectory, we unlock the capacity to allocate more time to processing information and embarking on meaningful experiences. This knowledge empowers us to align our decisions with our aspirations, fostering growth and fulfillment along the way.

Let’s explore the bifurcated view, neatly slicing the picture above in half to illuminate how both hemispheres of the brain collaborate while observing someone’s visage. The right hemisphere takes the lead in constructing a panorama of experiences, crafting images, orchestrating auditory sensations, and even evoking kinesthetic sensations. It’s the realm we tap into for project management, strategy formulation, culinary endeavors, and creative exploits — a hub for generating novel creations.

Conversely, the left hemisphere is the seat of memory, tasked with recollections and data storage. If prompted to reminisce about the color of your childhood home when you were eight or younger, chances are your gaze might instinctively drift towards the left—a subtle yet fascinating phenomenon.

Here’s where it all ties together. Recognizing these cognitive nuances is immensely valuable when interacting with others, be it in professional interactions, romantic partnerships, or friendships. Consider the impression someone is leaving and, importantly, step away from the compulsion to be unequivocally “right” in your assumptions. For instance, if you perceive someone as inattentive or disrespectful, transition into the mindset of being in a relationship with them—a mental shift of significant consequence.

Enter the realm of “VAKOG,” an acronym encompassing visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, olfactory, and gustatory elements. This comprehensive perspective is gleaned by engaging in a multi-directional assessment—looking left, right, up, and down. It enables us to conjure thoughts sourced from our beliefs, which form a nexus for emotions. These emotions, whether uplifting or challenging, give birth to the experience we’re undergoing.

Our collaborative exploration is designed to amplify your ability for self-regulation and constructive self-dialogue. The aim? To bestow greater expansiveness within each experience, allowing us to exercise discernment in response instead of succumbing to the impulsivity of our reptilian brain. In doing so, we cultivate a space for conscious reactions, ushering in an era of intentionality and mindfulness.

In the grand scheme of things, understanding the mechanics of our brain’s symphony equips us to be architects of our experiences, fortifying our capacity to mold responses, and fostering a realm of purposeful, thoughtful engagement.

Venturing into the core of decision-making, we find ourselves in the realm of the lateral frontal pole, a segment nestled within the neocortex—a region of our brain we often identify as the orchestrator of our conversations. It’s akin to our mental playground, where dialogues like “What if this happens? What about that scenario?” thrive.

During these internal exchanges, we traverse the landscape of Newton’s first law, a fundamental principle emphasizing causality. Simply put, an object remains in a state of rest or steady motion unless an external force intervenes. In essence, our cerebral deliberations mirror this law, as we analyze potential repercussions and causal chains.

As we interact with others, the method by which we engage unfolds in the spotlight. Imagine someone suddenly taking an item from your hand, catching you off guard. Your instinctive response might range from a sharp exclamation to a firm “Hey!”.

Yet, our aim is to transcend the allure of being “right” in such instances—a mindset that often fuels reactions like “I feel violated!” or “That was uncalled for!” By making a conscious shift, we can transition into a realm aligned with our being in relation to the situation.

Being in relationships entails embracing a perspective of curiosity and empathy. Instead of reacting with statements of grievance or offense, consider asking, “What prompted your action just now? Is there something bothering you?”. By doing so, we create a space that invites connection, fostering mutual understanding.

Recognizing these opportunities to transcend reactive impulses and embrace relational engagement is a constant thread in our lives. It extends beyond interactions with others, encompassing our relationship with the world around us and the inner world we carry within ourselves.

Every instant presents a chance to step into a relationship—whether with the individuals populating our lives or with the intricate tapestry of our thoughts and emotions. It’s an invitation to cultivate connection, exercise empathy, and approach life with a renewed perspective, ultimately nurturing the profound connections that make our journey meaningful.